Yes, it’s way too early to make an Oscar Predictions post. No, I don’t know what will be nominated. Yes, I am assuming these people/films will be snubbed. No, I have no proof. But it’s 2018 and rage is all the rage, so let’s get pissed!
Every year, the Oscar nominations come out and a slew of people get up in arms over their favorites missing the cut, as they damn Hollywood for patting themselves on the back and ignoring the voice of the people. Well I’m a person, dammit! I’ve seen nearly everything that’s come out this year (not quite, but shut up) and how DARE they ignore me! I mean, that is to say…I assume they will. And I’m mad about it!
Best Picture – You Were Never Really Here
Oh sure, Joaquin Phoenix will get the nod (if there is any justice in this world), but what about the vehicle that gave him the platform to deliver such a powerhouse performance? Yeah, right! This film blew away all seventeen people that saw it, and I’ve never sat and discussed something longer after the credits were done rolling. The theater practically had to mace Rome and I to get us out so they could close for the night. We wanted to beat them with Joaquin’s hammer so we could keep discussing how amazing this movie is! The score, the editing, the lighting, the performances, the writing and direction…it’s all there! For The Academy to ignore completely, like the bunch of hacks and clowns they are!
Best Actor – Ben Foster (Leave No Trace)
Foster has been turning in very good work for a while now, dating all the way back to his turn on Six Feet Under. In Leave No Trace, he gives a powerful performance as a father with deep-rooted trauma-induced issues that have manifested as a desire to live as far off the grid as possible. And who else lives far removed from reality? The Academy! Foster is brilliant in an understated role, using silence to speak volumes. But does he speak loudly enough for those crabby, old losers to hear? Of course not! Those self-congratulating pricks! They’ve been tone-deaf for decades!
Best Actress – Natalie Portman (Annihilation)
No, I’m NOT going to list Toni collette for Hereditary because she WILL get the nod, so don’t even comment with that nonsense or I will hack your grandma’s AOL account and download cartoon porn to her hard drive! Portman has an Oscar to her name already (Black Swan), and while she may not fare well against the rest of this year’s field (especially if there are any mothers to repressed gay sons in the running this year, like every other year ever), she certainly deserves the recognition. But will she get it? OF COURSE NOT! She was heroic and badass, fragile and wounded, self-assured and self-destructive. And I will get self-destructive myself when she gets snubbed! Her weird little sci-fi movie came out in February, confused lots of dumb people and will get completely ignored for everything except visual effects and maybe they’ll throw it a bone with Adapted Screenplay so they can act like they care. Which they don’t. Assholes.
Best Director – Ari Aster (Hereditary)
Are you kidding me? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! This guy comes out of nowhere, writes and directs an amazing movie that was the talk of the land, adored by critics and managed to genuinely scare the crap out of people without using the paint-by-numbers Hollywood Horror Playbook. He gets absolutely stunning performances out of his entire cast, oversees some incredible photography (seriously, those dollhouse shots?! GTFOH!), puts out a debut feature that stuns pretty much everyone and to top it all off? He gets ignored by stuffy-ass Academy voters who don’t like horror or things that come out before November. GET OVER YOURSELVES!
Best Original Screenplay – Blindspotting
This was a tough choice for me. We’re sure to get some of the favorite boxes ticked off (teenage story? Eighth Grade! Sorry, Bo Burnham, your movie was solid but nothing great and Thoroughbreds was way better. Period piece? Hello, The Favourite), what sticks out to me this year is that we are looking at a good amount of films on the hot-button topic of race relations in America. Now, smart money says this is a lock, right? WRONG! If the brigade of crusty old whites decide to pretend they care about race issues, they’ll give the nods to BlacKkKlansman for Adapted and Sorry To Bother You in this category. Nevermind the fact that this script is better because that crap doesn’t matter! I can hear their conversations now. “Oh yes, I recall this, it was the one with all the authentic lingo and…what’s that word…swagger? With the rapping thingy at the end? Yeah, that’s nice…now go home and make way for the real Oscar films!” Nevermind the fact that this is the definitive script of the year with its finger on the pulse of a major issue in this country, because these people haven’t felt a pulse in a long time!
Best Supporting Actor – Jonah Hill (Don’t Worry, He Won’t Get Far On Foot)
The fat kid from Superbad and Get Him To The Greek can really act? Yeah, idiot, he can, you just forgot because Moneyball was already seven years ago. Oscar voters didn’t forget, they just assume that recognizing him twice already was enough to shut up the crowd that likes to see people win awards without British accents and wigs. I mean he won a Young Hollywood Award for Best Bromance, so that means we can sweep it under the rug when he turns in a beautiful, layered performance in a wrenching black comedy about addiction, right? I mean so what if he had one of the better scenes of the entire first half of 2018 because this isn’t a period piece or a teen coming-of-age story! Although he did direct one of the latter this year. Maybe if he acted in it, he would have a shot at the nomination he deserves!
Best Supporting Actress – Rachel McAdams (Disobedience)
It never even occurred to me that McAdams and Rachel Weisz would get snubbed following their marvelous performances in Disobedience, until Rome so eloquently told me “they’ll cancel each other out.” And you know what? That’s precisely the kind of dumbass “logic” that would enter their thought processes when they are watching the For Your Consideration campaigns. How about you fools consider pulling your heads out of your asses, eh? HOW ABOUT THAT?!
Best Adapted Screenplay – The Death of Stalin
While everybody and their mother is falling down over themselves to talk about Black Panther in this category, all I can think of is “Am I the ONLY one who saw this amazing film?!” It not only skews the Communist Party to massive effect, but mirrors the sheer dumbassery of our current worldwide political climate while pretending it’s got its sights set on anyone but America. Spoiler alert…you’re dumb. The Academy will see nominating something that makes fun of Russia as some kind of thumbs up for Trump (who would likely tweet out exactly that) because #Trump) and GOD FORBID anyone in Hollywood be mistaken for anything but a caped crusading Super Liberal…
In the immortal words of Howard Beale, “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore!” These people/films are going to get robbed of the recognition they deserve and that’s just wrong! Sound off in the comments, the Cinematic Discussion Facebook Group, or anywhere else you feel like!